Friday, June 17, 2011

Maximus Flavius and the NHL

The National Hockey Headhunting League has announced major new initiatives involving rough play in which its players get injured.

It has told all team general managers to establish hospitals in their home rinks. This will allow for hurt players to be patched up, and returned to play more quickly.
On-site hospitals

Commissioner Gary Bleatman said the idea for onsite hospitals comes from history. Maximus Falvius, commissioner of the Guys and Lions League in ancient Rome, opened quickie wound treatment centres beneath the Coliseum. The idea was that lopped limbs could be cauterized on the spot and gladiators sent right back into the fray.

“The amount of lost time, therefore lost money, on this head injury issue is starting to affect the league’s balance sheet,” said Bleatman.”With hospital facilities just the other side of the boards, we can get players in, slap plates in their heads to hold their brains in place, and get them back onto the ice.”

The onsite hospitals will provide genuine medical treatment. No more simply slapping a concussed player across the side of the head to reset his eyes straight.

Hockey commentator Donnie DaMouth accused the league of gross overreaction.

“This is sissy stuff. Real men get up off the ice, shake their heads a couple of times and get back skatin’. Dat’s real hockey, kids.”

There was no comment from the players’ association, most of whose members are still in rehab following the 2010-2011 season.

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