The New Year brings huge news - there will be no nuclear war with North Korea. That’s my New Year’s scoop, based on a remarkable discovery.
Through deep-dive investigative reporting I have learned that Kim Jong-un and Donald J. Trump are related. They are in fact twins! That’s right, born into the same family, but separated at birth.
So stop fretting about nuclear war because twins, although they sometimes yell at each other, will never harm each other.
Some will say that is ridiculous. Fake news! But look at the evidence.
Kim and Trump look alike. Both are chubby and have penguin-like gaits.
Their dumpy physiques are the result of bad diets. Kim binges on imported Swiss cheese, while Trump inhales four Big Macs at a lunch sitting.
Both men are obsessed with their hair. Trump grows his long on the side and combs it over to cover his bald spot. Kim has gone to a trapezoid doo that looks like an old-fashioned desk telephone perched on his head.
Kim has decreed that all North Korean males wear their hair similar to his. Trump has not gone that far, probably because most American men cannot afford boxcar quantities of blonde dye and hair spray.
Neither is a picture of sartorial elegance. Kim wears a dark and dull Mao tunic while Trump prefers his baggy blue suit and bright red tie that hangs well below his belt so it points suggestively to his crotch.
Their educations have been similar. Neither was very bright in school.
Kim went to a top private school in Switzerland where he became addicted to cheese and basketball. He flunked there so his father moved him to a public school and into a lower grade. Trump went to two different colleges but got better grades in sports than anything else.
Both men are fabulously wealthy, Kim the richer by far. Kim is the wealthiest person in North Korea with access to $5 billion and owns a private island. Trump is only the 248th wealthiest person in America with $3.1 billion.
Kim recruits young virgins to his Gippeumjo, which are ‘pleasure squads’ for his entertainment. Trump says that because he is a celebrity he can do anything with women he meets, including grabbing them by the genitals.
Both Trump and Kim like to be referred to as Dear Leader, and each is Commander-in-Chief of his armed forces, but neither has any military experience. Trump missed Vietnam because of heel spurs that don’t seem to have restricted his golf game. Kim learned war manoeuvres by playing video games.
These twins are loud and boastful guys. Kim brags that he learned to drive at age three and invents cancer cures in his spare time. Trump boasts his greatest asset is that he is not mentally ill but in fact a “very stable genius”.
Recently Kim boasted that his nuclear missiles can reach any part of the U.S. and he holds the nuclear button at his desk. Not to be outdone, Trump boasted that his nuclear button is bigger and stronger than Kim’s.
Each shouts a lot. When Trump doesn’t like someone, he yells “You’re Fired” and they are gone. When Kim doesn’t like someone he shouts “Ready, Aim, Fire” and staff arrive with a body bag to carry the corpse away.
Sure, they yell at each other a lot, but that’s only sibling rivalry, done in fun. I mean if you had a twin who was obsessed with war toys you too would affectionately call him Little Rocket Man. It’s only natural.
So what more evidence is needed to show that they are in fact twins and will not start throwing nukes at each other?
Even their names give clues to their personalities. The un in Jong-un means peaceful or kindness. Trump in its earliest English form means breaking wind.