You read it here first!
Through fantastic reporting, I have obtained Donald Trump’s presidential inauguration speech. Obviously I can’t reveal how I got it, except to say that brilliant reporting was involved.
So while the entire world waits with eyeballs glued to televisions you, dear readers, have the speech now. Here it is:
My Fellow Americans. And, of course, your lovely ladies as well.
Happy 2017 to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don’t know what to do. Sad! Very sad!
Welcome to you fans who have come from all corners to witness this historic day. Great people out there. Like Vlad Putin, in the second row, He’s a great guy and his girlfriend Alina Kabaeva has great legs.
Vlad is a leader. You know, unlike what we have in this country.
One thing, though. He is not as good looking as me. I mean do I look like a president? How handsome am I, right? How handsome? You betcha!
I think it’s important that I say something never said here before: Many scores and years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Well, they got that wrong! Nobody is created equal. You have to know the right people and work the dollars to get that way.
I’m going to work at making a lot more people more equal. Nobody can do it better than me.
I have a great temperament for getting that done. My temperament is very good, very calm. Everything I’ve done virtually has been a tremendous success. In fact everything I have done actually has been tremendous.
I’m going to help the poor, because they need a lot of help. I mean if they have been poor for so many generations, how smart can they be? Basically they are morons and they need help.
I’m also going to do foreign affairs. Foreign affairs, without the help of the State Department. The level of stupidity there is incredible. I'm telling you, I used to use the word incompetent. Now I just call them stupid.
I’ll be consulting myself a lot. Speaking with myself – No. 1 – because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.
I’ve already seen how our free trade is terrible. Free trade can be wonderful if you have smart people. But we have stupid people.
There has been a bunch of snivelling about having too many rich men, and too few women, in my administration.
I want to make clear that I cherish women. I want to help women. I’m going to be able to do things for women that no one else could do. They are going to love it.
(Pause as the President summons an aide to bring him a pair of ear muffs).
That feels better. I didn’t want my ears to get frostbitten on my first day as president.
You know all this global warming talk was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive. Now any and all weather events are used by the global warming hoaxsters to justify higher taxes to save our planet!
And of course there’s the carbon footprint thing and the hole in the ozone thing. They say, don't use hair spray, it's bad for the ozone. I want to use hair spray. I’ve got a fantastic head of hair and I want to keep it in place. What’s more important, my hair or the ozone?
So that’s about it. I want to cut this short because it really is getting cold. Half the country is in a deep freeze. It’s a major freeze. Weeks ahead of normal.
Our planet is freezing. Record low temps, and our scientists are stuck in ice.
Man, we could use a big fat dose of global warming!
Catch ya on Twitter!