You read it here first!
Through fantastic reporting, I have obtained Donald Trump’s presidential
inauguration speech. Obviously I can’t reveal how I got it, except to say that
brilliant reporting was involved.
So while the entire world waits with eyeballs glued to televisions you, dear
readers, have the speech now. Here it is:
My Fellow Americans. And, of
course, your lovely ladies as well.
Happy 2017 to all, including to my
many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don’t
know what to do. Sad! Very sad!
Welcome to you fans who have come
from all corners to witness this historic day. Great people out there. Like
Vlad Putin, in the second row, He’s a great guy and his girlfriend Alina Kabaeva has great legs.
Vlad is a leader. You know, unlike what we have in this
country.
One thing, though. He
is not as good looking as me. I mean do I look like a president? How
handsome am I, right? How handsome? You betcha!
I think it’s important that I say something never said here before: Many
scores and years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation,
conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created
equal.
Well, they got that wrong! Nobody is created equal. You have to know the
right people and work the dollars to get that way.
I’m going to
work at making a lot more people more equal. Nobody can do it better than me.
I have a great temperament for getting that done. My temperament
is very good, very calm. Everything I’ve done virtually has been a tremendous
success. In fact everything I have done actually has been tremendous.
I’m going to help the poor, because they need a lot
of help. I mean if they have been poor for so many generations, how smart can
they be? Basically they are morons and they need help.
I’m also going to do foreign affairs. Foreign
affairs, without the help of the State Department. The level of stupidity there is incredible. I'm telling you, I used to
use the word incompetent. Now I just call them stupid.
I’ll be consulting myself a lot.
Speaking with myself – No. 1 – because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a
lot of things.
I’ve already seen how our free
trade is terrible. Free trade can be wonderful if you have smart people. But we
have stupid people.
There has been a bunch of snivelling about having
too many rich men, and too few women, in my administration.
I want to make clear
that I cherish women. I want to help women. I’m going to be able to do things
for women that no one else could do. They are going to love it.
(Pause as the
President summons an aide to bring him a pair of ear muffs).
That feels better. I
didn’t want my ears to get frostbitten on my first day as president.
You know all this
global warming talk was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S.
manufacturing non-competitive. Now any and all weather events are used by the
global warming hoaxsters to justify higher taxes to save our planet!
And of course there’s
the carbon footprint thing and the hole in the ozone thing. They say, don't use hair spray, it's bad
for the ozone. I want to use hair spray. I’ve got a fantastic head of hair and
I want to keep it in place. What’s more important, my hair or the ozone?
So that’s about it. I
want to cut this short because it really is getting cold. Half the country is
in a deep freeze. It’s a major freeze. Weeks ahead of normal.
Our planet is
freezing. Record low temps, and our scientists are stuck in ice.
Man, we could use a big
fat dose of global warming!
Catch ya on Twitter!
Profile: http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B001K8FY3Y
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