I’ve
been thinking about getting a tattoo. Thinking hard.
Getting
a tattoo is no lightweight decision. What statement do I want to make? What
design? On which body part? These are serious questions, so I decided to do
some serious research.
Trolling
the Internet I learned that arrows, roses, and birds are among those most
favoured designs worldwide. Also Roman numerals and glyphs.
Everything
I read about tattoos was interesting, although not necessarily helpful. Then I
landed on some totally unexpected, bombshell information: Some tattoo studios
in the United States are offering free Donald Trump tattoos.
You
can get The Donald’s full face, complete with that pompous gray-blonde hair
wave. And you can get his campaign slogan “Make America Great Again.” You can
even get his face at the centre of the Stars and Stripes, in full colour. All
at no charge.
Trump
tattoos are showing up on people’s shoulders, necks, arms, ankles and calves.
It
is another absurd twist in what has to be the most bizarre presidential
election in U.S. history. It is a freak
show reminiscent of the bar scenes in Star Wars.
You
might recall the Mos Eisley Cantina on the planet Tatooine. The bar was a dark
and seedy dive where star pilots landed for drinks, weird music called Jizz and
to engage in some violent rough housing. The regular customers are some of the
most villainous scumbags you hope never to encounter.
Each
time I watch a presidential candidate debate on TV I feel like I have walked
into the Mos Eisley Cantina. All the candidates are there. Republican and
Democrats.
There’s
Donald Trump, looking and sounding just like Chewbacca. (except Chewbacca has a
nicer hair style). Someone asks him if as president he would nuke Mexico to
stop the flow of illegal immigrants.
“Whoaa
waamaa warrgth,” he answers, which I think translates as: “It’s unbelievable. They're
bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists.”
Beside
him is Jeb Bush, his eyes darting side to side. He looks terrified at being there.
Either that or he has Irritable Bowel Syndrome and is urgently looking for a
toilet. Or, maybe he just realized that he is about to be bounced from the
campaign.
Ted
Cruz is there, looking calm as a jellyfish. He has a smile that gives the
impression he has swallowed not just the canary, but an entire aviary.
At
the far end of the bar Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are locked in
argument. Hillary thinks she is Princess Leia but is more like Leesub Sirln, alias the Weird Girl.
Bernie
is doing his Obi-Wan Kenobi routine but still can’t figure out how to switch on
his laser lance.
Latest
word is that some Democrats are getting Bernie or Hillary tattoos. You can get
a full face tattoo of Hillary or simply
“HRC 2016” which fits nicely on a wrist.
Bernie
fans are getting the hair-askew-on-top-of heavy-rim-glasses tattoo, some with
the slogan “Feel the Bern.”
Election
tattooing is not a new trend, nor solely the product of the U.S. In our federal
election last fall a Montreal tattoo studio offered free election-style tattoos
with a twist. It challenged the party leaders to have their election promises
tattooed on their bodies and offered to do it for free.
"Because,
like a tattoo, a promise is for life," the studio said in an video
launching its Ink Your Promise campaign.
Those
tattoo dudes are not only artists, they are smart business people. Tattoo
politicians with their election promises and 100 days later they will be lined
up at the door willing to pay whatever to have them erased.
Neither
Justin the Good, Stephen the Evil or Tom the Whatever is believed to have taken
them up on the offer.
At
any rate, I’ve decided not to get a Donald Trump tattoo. If I did, however, I
know where I would put it. It would adorn the very lowest reaches of my back,
closest to the body part that best describes him.
Instead
of that I will to get one in large letters across my forehead. It will read:
SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE AMERICA SANE
AGAIN!
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