I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo. Thinking hard.
Getting a tattoo is no lightweight decision. What statement do I want to make? What design? On which body part? These are serious questions, so I decided to do some serious research.
Trolling the Internet I learned that arrows, roses, and birds are among those most favoured designs worldwide. Also Roman numerals and glyphs.
Everything I read about tattoos was interesting, although not necessarily helpful. Then I landed on some totally unexpected, bombshell information: Some tattoo studios in the United States are offering free Donald Trump tattoos.
You can get The Donald’s full face, complete with that pompous gray-blonde hair wave. And you can get his campaign slogan “Make America Great Again.” You can even get his face at the centre of the Stars and Stripes, in full colour. All at no charge.
Trump tattoos are showing up on people’s shoulders, necks, arms, ankles and calves.
It is another absurd twist in what has to be the most bizarre presidential election in U.S. history. It is a freak show reminiscent of the bar scenes in Star Wars.
You might recall the Mos Eisley Cantina on the planet Tatooine. The bar was a dark and seedy dive where star pilots landed for drinks, weird music called Jizz and to engage in some violent rough housing. The regular customers are some of the most villainous scumbags you hope never to encounter.
Each time I watch a presidential candidate debate on TV I feel like I have walked into the Mos Eisley Cantina. All the candidates are there. Republican and Democrats.
There’s Donald Trump, looking and sounding just like Chewbacca. (except Chewbacca has a nicer hair style). Someone asks him if as president he would nuke Mexico to stop the flow of illegal immigrants.
“Whoaa waamaa warrgth,” he answers, which I think translates as: “It’s unbelievable. They're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists.”
Beside him is Jeb Bush, his eyes darting side to side. He looks terrified at being there. Either that or he has Irritable Bowel Syndrome and is urgently looking for a toilet. Or, maybe he just realized that he is about to be bounced from the campaign.
Ted Cruz is there, looking calm as a jellyfish. He has a smile that gives the impression he has swallowed not just the canary, but an entire aviary.
At the far end of the bar Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are locked in argument. Hillary thinks she is Princess Leia but is more like Leesub Sirln, alias the Weird Girl.
Bernie is doing his Obi-Wan Kenobi routine but still can’t figure out how to switch on his laser lance.
Latest word is that some Democrats are getting Bernie or Hillary tattoos. You can get a full face tattoo of Hillary or simply “HRC 2016” which fits nicely on a wrist.
Bernie fans are getting the hair-askew-on-top-of heavy-rim-glasses tattoo, some with the slogan “Feel the Bern.”
Election tattooing is not a new trend, nor solely the product of the U.S. In our federal election last fall a Montreal tattoo studio offered free election-style tattoos with a twist. It challenged the party leaders to have their election promises tattooed on their bodies and offered to do it for free.
"Because, like a tattoo, a promise is for life," the studio said in an video launching its Ink Your Promise campaign.
Those tattoo dudes are not only artists, they are smart business people. Tattoo politicians with their election promises and 100 days later they will be lined up at the door willing to pay whatever to have them erased.
Neither Justin the Good, Stephen the Evil or Tom the Whatever is believed to have taken them up on the offer.
At any rate, I’ve decided not to get a Donald Trump tattoo. If I did, however, I know where I would put it. It would adorn the very lowest reaches of my back, closest to the body part that best describes him.
Instead of that I will to get one in large letters across my forehead. It will read:
SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE AMERICA SANE AGAIN!