A Forest Fable

This week's Minden Times column

It was the beavers, those clever, industrious engineers, who had the idea: Turn house building into an industry that would create jobs and build a strong economy benefitting all forest creatures.

The industry boomed. Prefab modified beaver houses were sold to forest communities around the world. Profits flowed like the creeks in spring.

There were jobs for all. Beaver were employed as tree cutters. Moose and deer hauled sticks and mud. Foxes took charge of administration and the birds flew the marketing initiatives.

Prosperity grew throughout the forest. Every forest critter had his or her own new home and all the conveniences that make for a happy life.

Industrialization brought the financial resources to build a flourishing modern society. A council, called Parliament, was created from animals elected across the forest. There was a  justice system, managed by the owls, and police services staffed by the wolves. The rabbits set up health care and other social services.

Banks, operated by the raccoons, offered mortgages for bigger houses and loans for televisions, computer tablets and to pay monthly electricity bills.

Life in the forest, once a miserable paw-to-mouth and claw-to-beak existence, was good. Until the grumbling began.

The bears complained they were working too much to enjoy their usual winter vacations. They demanded more paid hibernation time.

The nervous squirrels called for shorter work weeks to ease the stress of modern living. Still others said they must have higher wages to offset the taxes jacked up by their new government to pay for a burgeoning bureaucracy.

The forest echoed with howls and squawks about high prices and high taxes.

Wages rose steadily to quell the workers demands. So did the prices of beaver houses and other products because businesses needed more revenue to cover rising costs. The businesses also needed to satisfy the stock market lust for higher returns.

In another land far away beyond the lake, workers toiled in wet fields just to fill their bellies and did what their government ordered them to do. They learned of the industrialization success in the forest and began producing modified beaver houses and other goods at much cheaper prices.

Soon the forest animals were importing cheaper goods, and even some of their services, from the lands beyond the lake.

The forest industries could not compete with the prices from abroad. Their factories slowed production, soon gathering moss and rust. Workers were laid off and those who could not find other work spent their days playing video games and watching streamed reality shows.

Forest jobs continued to shrink as more business shifted to the lands across the lake. The only jobs available were in the fast food industry but many of the animals found they were gaining weight and becoming depressed.

Parliament decided the government should get into the casino business to create jobs. Casinos also would provide entertainment, ease the animals’ worries and bring more money into the government coffers.

Depression, suicide and violent crime became common. The rabbits operating the health service began prescribing cannabis leaves, which they said would ease the forest society’s pain. Costs soared beyond control, so the Parliament got into the cannabis business to raise more revenue.

It was the skunks, nosing the damp forest floor, who discovered the magic mushrooms. They learned that chewing the mushrooms relaxed the body and sent the mind off into other worlds. They created underground networks for distributing the mushrooms and sold them to stressed out buyers at secret rendezvous points.

The wolves soon ran out of spaces in which to confine loopy animals they found acting crazy or passed out along the forest trails. Their patrolling packs became exhausted trying to keep up with increasing crime.

The rabbits opened more mental health clinics and rehab centres. The costs became overwhelming so they cut back the services provided for traditional illnesses.

The forest society suffered a complete breakdown for which even the loon songs on the lake did not provide comfort or relief.

Eventually the happy loon songs stopped and the only loon call heard from the lake was the ‘tremolo’, that shrill and insane loon laugh signalling danger and despair.

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The Beaver, The Bear and The Useless

This is not a joke.

Last Thursday at 1:40 p.m. Senator Nicole Eaton of Toronto stood in her place in the somnolent Senate of Canada and proposed that the beaver be fired as the official symbol of Canada. She proposed that the polar bear take its place.

A politician we pay $132,300 base salary a year (plus research grants of $30,000, office budget of $20,000, tax-free expense allowance $10,000, free business class flight for them and families etc. etc.) actually stood up in the Senate and said:

 “While I would never speak ill of our furry friend, I stand here today suggesting that perhaps it is time for change.”

The beaver, she said, is a “dentally defective rat” and “tyrant” that wrecks roads, streams tree plantations, lakes and farmlands.

There’s no clue why she wants the beaver replaced by the bear, except she did tell us the polar bear is “the world’s largest terrestrial carnivore and Canada’s most majestic and splendid mammal, holding reign over the Arctic for thousands of years.”

That’s nice, but why is the outrageously expensive Senate operation promoting nonsense when we still haven’t figured out how to fix the health care system, how to stop the gang wars on Toronto’s streets, how to stop the oxycontin abuse epidemic, eliminate child poverty, stop youth suicides . . . . The list of problems and challenges this country’s politicians face stretch from sea to shining sea.

The Senate meanwhile talks about whether the polar bear should replace the beaver as a national symbol.

We citizens pay an estimated $100 million a year to keep the Senate functioning. It sits 69 days a year. It fulfills no useful purpose. It is not supported by the people, and there never will be agreement on how to reform it.

Folks, it’s not the beaver that should go . . . .

And, do we really want Canada symbolized by a ferocious animal that wanders the world’s harshest climate alone and perpetually hungry like the unfortunate street people? Or is it better to be symbolized by an animal that works . . .  well like a beaver . . . quietly, efficiently, and without complaint to build a better life for itself and its fellow citizens.