Maximus Flavius and the NHL

The National Hockey Headhunting League has announced major new initiatives involving rough play in which its players get injured.

It has told all team general managers to establish hospitals in their home rinks. This will allow for hurt players to be patched up, and returned to play more quickly.

On-site hospitals

Commissioner Gary Bleatman said the idea for onsite hospitals comes from history. Maximus Falvius, commissioner of the Guys and Lions League in ancient Rome, opened quickie wound treatment centres beneath the Coliseum. The idea was that lopped limbs could be cauterized on the spot and gladiators sent right back into the fray.

“The amount of lost time, therefore lost money, on this head injury issue is starting to affect the league’s balance sheet,” said Bleatman.”With hospital facilities just the other side of the boards, we can get players in, slap plates in their heads to hold their brains in place, and get them back onto the ice.”

The onsite hospitals will provide genuine medical treatment. No more simply slapping a concussed player across the side of the head to reset his eyes straight.

Hockey commentator Donnie DaMouth accused the league of gross overreaction.

“This is sissy stuff. Real men get up off the ice, shake their heads a couple of times and get back skatin’. Dat’s real hockey, kids.”

There was no comment from the players’ association, most of whose members are still in rehab following the 2010-2011 season.

The Goons Win Again

The Stanley Cup Playoffs ended early for a lot of us.

Too bad. Fast hockey. End to end rushes. Spectacular goal tending. Hockey exhibiting a passion for the true game.

Then came the hit early in Game Three. Canucks defenceman Aaron Rome went for the head of Nathan Horton, Boston’s top goal scorer. He got it. Horton was trucked off to hospital and is gone for this year. Rome got five minutes for interference -- what’s called a late hit. It was intent to injure, but the NHL has yet to figure out what that really means.

The NHL later suspended Rome for the rest of the playoffs, possibly trying to soothe fans who are outraged at the league’s inability to get really serious and end savage hockey in which players get hurt.

The league introduced a rule against headhunting this season but after two months there were 33 reported concussions, more than the entire previous season. And, later there was Sidney Crosby; remember him? 

NHL Hockey: It's becoming a Blur

Do fans have to put it in flashing neon lights for Commissioner Gary Bettman and his big city suits: STOP THE GOON HOCKEY! WE DON’T WANT TO WATCH IT.



Some fans will not be watching tonight, or any other night in this playoff. Something good was happening, almost like a revival of the hockey we knew before the money changers got hold of it.

Oh well, it’s summertime and the living is easy. Shouldn’t be inside watching TV anyway.